lifeisthisitmustbemoretolife

life family change survival

Loss

Part One I am the way I am because of loss of a parent, or that’s how I feel.  For 10 years he was my idol.   I was a real Daddy’s girl. Suddenly he had gone.  Vanished.   I wasn’t told why, where or what would happen next.  Life changed forever that day. My heart was broken.  I became the carer for my younger sibling.   I became a burden, for my mother.   She couldn’t look after herself, let alone me or my brother. As a coping mechanism I self-harmed; cut off my lower eye-lashes, used food as a form comfort, and later on turned to alcohol.  I felt worthless. I did not matter to my mother.  She did not show any love or affection.  Come to think of it, I didn’t matter to my father either.  If I had of mattered then he wouldn’t have left.  At least that is how I felt for many years. In the blink of an eye, gone was my mother’s love.   Looking back I can see she had some kind of breakdown at the disappearance of her husband. All emotion was erased from her.  Instead she became emotionally dead, was harsh in her behaviour, very quick to punish for something, and didn’t offer any comfort to her two children who had also suffered the loss. Rather than being a mother who should encourage her children to go to school, she became a woman who wasn’t bothered if I went to school or not.  She would readily write me a note to give to school after I had been absent.  As a teenager I thought this was great.  She saw me as a kind of friend I think.  She would tell me things and speak to me as though I were an adult.   Inappropriate things, not suitable for a girl of 12/13. She acted inappropriately regarding men.  I came down one night, aged about 11, and discovered a situation that embarrassed her and affected me for many years. The following day she spoke to me about it as though I were one of her friends, rather than her youngish daughter. I became a mis-fit at school. I was always the one with the slightly different uniform colour, because that was cheaper. I was never allowed to bring a friend in to play with.  I was never allowed to gone a sleepover. Parent evenings did not exist for me.  I cannot ever remember her attending my parent’s evening.  Unsurprisingly I left school with a single grade C GCSE……….   more to follow

2 thoughts on “Loss

  1. Pingback: Loss | lifeisthisitmustbemoretolife

  2. A very compelling beginning for a trilogy.

    Like

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